A Glimmer of Hope

(Background Music: Main title from The Notebook by Aaron Zigman; A kiss to build a dream on by Louis Armstrong)

That's what I call this beautiful beginning to a chapter in my life, a chapter I never believed I'd be lucky to see, feel and experience.

Finding my love; accidentally, may I add. Who would have thought, it'd all begin with an audition for the Vocal Jazz band I am part of?!

We auditioned a bunch of girls for the Soprano part. My friend, brought this girl to the auditions. The moment she walked in, there was this huge attraction I felt towards her. But, at the moment, I wasn't looking for anything. So, I brushed it aside as lust or just plain attraction. As fate would have it, Arun, brought her to one of my parties, with a lot of convincing which he is good at. I'd have almost lost her, if not for my dude friend and her decision to finally come home to my studio. And right from when I opened the door, when our eyes met, I knew there was something about her, that made me not want to take my eyes off of her. I sneaked peaks in, and when in a different state of a freer mind, just stared at her, making it very obvious to her, that I found this attraction very intriguing. 

At the time, though, I also connected with another girl, on some temple architecture stuff and some hobbies and habits we had in common. So, she and I hooked up. But, right from the beginning I knew I did not have the passion and I could not fake it. I am a man who needs to connect with the woman, to be intimate. Well, I did not give much more thought to the girl as I thought she was interested in my friend. Tried to give the girl interested in me, a shot, to see where it goes. I invited her to come back in a week to see if we had anything worth pursuing. Luckily, even the other girl came that weekend too, to hang out with us. All this while, my friend was trying to hit on the girl, as he had feelings for her, he said. Well, so I gave the other girl my full dedication, but realized very soon that I felt no sparks or connection with her. We connected on many ideas, but nothing that made me feel, this, is worth taking to the next level. The funny thing though was, when we went to Mahabs, I could not take my eyes off of the girl, poor thing the girl I was with even noticed it, and told me I was outrightly flirting with the other, in front of her. I was rude to this girl, I apologized to her the next day because it had nothing to do with her. 

In retrospect, I think it was my mind's way of pushing her out when there was something SO beautiful that was about to occur in my life. At a different party, the girl I was interested in and I began talking and it was very obvious to us that there was this tremendous amount of passion, an unexplained connection and incredible energy that she and I shared; and that we both were resisting it so hard as situations just weren't right. We both were not looking for anything to happen apart from just enjoying each other's company. But, as with every story, the timing of this beautiful event happened at a time when, the girl I was interested in is going through other darker times in her life, friendships and relationships in a state of disarray. Events that made her feel suffocated, in need of a breather and a desperate need to get out of a world filled with people that held her in a state of subjugation. That is when she was introduced to my world of non-judgmental and open-minded people, a glimmer of hope in her otherwise held-back existence.

But, that night, like a chess-move of destiny, we happened to lie down next to each other. And like there were invisible forces operating, though we resisted so hard, we shared our first kiss - the kiss that changed it all. My body felt a surge of energy and my face went flush with blood, a kiss I had never ever felt in my times with any other woman in all of my dating life. A feeling on a first kiss: magical, powerful, heart-warming and familiar, like I knew the taste and feeling of her lips for a long time, lost and re-discovered. After that, there was no holding back, we just went on kissing for hours. I had never been this intimate with any other woman in my life.

Life took a 180deg with that first kiss . I did not care about sex, or me, for the first time. All I could think about is intimacy, to admire her, to touch her, to run my fingers over her, to paint or sculpt a replica of her, to talk Shakespearean - romantic lines that I'd, earlier, wanna laugh at. But, for the first time, it felt genuine and I did not feel shy and I knew I meant every single word that came out of my mouth. Our bodies just reacted extremely differently to each other. We both knew we had never felt this before and it was a visual confirmation. A crazy Chemical reaction like she once put it, not so romantically, lol :P. From there, everything just spiraled at a speed that neither she or I had any control over. We tried and tried hard, but we realized soon that we could not stop anything this intense once the channel opens up. We did not even know each other but were beginning to fall in love. The surge that went through us every time our bodies accidentally or deliberately touched, that, was new to both of us. We had recent hook ups to compare it to, as well. Both of us just knew, this was something special and we'd fight for it. I knew I'd do everything I could, to not let go. How many marriages or relationships we know where people who are not soulmates end up living together for life? This happened and I was not gonna let go. We just spent every possible moment together. We still do. 3 weeks back, I did not know she existed; she was a stranger. Today, she is the love of my life. Today, a 30 year old man who never wanted to ever settle down, never find love and never marry is thinking that he has found his life's companion. I even watched "The Notebook" and realized we were so like those crazy passionate lovers, that we did not have a care about the world when we were together. That all we cared about was to make each other happy in every single way possible. 

I have let go of all my fears and have just given in to my love for her. This is special, this is what romantic movies/plays talk about, this is what people wish they had, this is what people search for, sometimes, for all their lives. I am not a fool. The Universe has sent me an opportunity to better my life, personally and professionally, and I am taking it. 

I gaze into her eyes and lose myself. Even on Skype :) (I warned you about these lines :) )

P.S: A possibly beautiful relationship has ended. I had made too many mistakes, more than she did with me, as I did not realize that I was so emotionally dependent on women all my life and was not stable by myself. This relationship has made me understand what it truly means to experience the feeling of loss, a loss of someone and something beautiful that has been lost temporarily. But, life moves on and ahead. I believe this has all been a journey for me to discover myself and be in peace emotionally and mentally. Good always follows. Cheers to the future :)

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